by Lorie Hammond, Ph. D., Academic Director
Parents often ask what our discipline system is at school. Everyone would like to find a magic bullet that stops undesirable behaviors midair, banishing them forever. This is unfortunately the kind of magical thinking which parallels that of the children.
Instead, we are growing human beings. One step at a time.
Most people are comfortable with the idea that children learn math one step at a time, counting 12368 or 10,20,30,100 many times before getting it right. The same applies to all academic subjects. We think it is cute that children believe in tooth fairies and think that dragons hide under their bed. But when a child hits another child because in his magical world, all toys belong to him, we feel a lot less tolerant.
As teachers in a school for young children, we have to balance competing interests. It is essential that children feel safe from being pushed and hit, as well as from having their feelings hurt by angry words. At the same time, all children are learning to be social beings, and this task is more complex than all their other learning tasks put together. We will not get there simply by controlling children and making rules and punishments. Instead, we need to help children understand and express their feelings and learn to empathize with the feelings of others.
How do we keep all children safe, while at the same time treating challenging behaviors as learning opportunities for the child who does them?
Our first premise is that children do everything they do because they are trying to accomplish something that they value. We do not see children as behaving badly to test or challenge us, or to hurt someone else intentionally, even though these situations may result from some behaviors.
The approach we take, which is called Positive Discipline, was taught to us by Joyce Lee, a local early childhood expert, although it does not originate with her alone. It is based on a developmental understanding of what children do, and a commitment to treat all interpersonal challenges as learning opportunities. We will be most effective if parents join us in this process, and if we approach this in a similar fashion at home and at school.
Please read the parent handbook, which is available on our Peregrine Yahoo Groups site, for more detailed information about our discipline system. But here are a few simple techniques which we use and which you can use at home too:
Stay close so you can predict problems before they occur: This is a central strategy of our teachers. If children congregate in the sandbox to make a party, be sure you are there when a new child asks to join, and can assure that everyone is invited.
Be a newscaster: Narrate situations as they occur, helping children to find and use their words to say what they want. When with children building a block city, say “We are building a city. You can join in but we don’t want it knocked down,” as you see a two year old approaching, perhaps to knock blocks down for fun. You can then create alternative “news”, such as, “ if you want to build something to knock down, why don’t you use the cardboard blocks over there?”
Decide if a situation is a red, yellow, or green light: Some things are so important that we don’t discuss them, but take quick action. If a child is approaching another with a shovel, ready to hit, we take it away. That is a “red light behavior”—it is never OK.
On the other hand, if a child has her shoes off because they were off in the sandbox, but we prefer kids to wear shoes outside on the paths, we can remind the child in a gentle way, and discuss the situation, since no danger is posed. This could be a yellow light problem, or even a green light, meaning that it might not matter enough to make a fuss.
In between situations are yellow light behaviors. They are good times to talk things over with kids, or to take two kids who are fighting over a toy aside and ask them how they would like to solve the problem. No one is at fault or in danger, but the situation could escalate, just as a yellow light can turn red. It is important to work it out so that this doesn’t happen.
Redirect, redirect, redirect: For young children especially, when a situation becomes difficult, it is best to remove the child from the situation and engage him/her in another situation which might better fit his/her skills or mood. If a young child is throwing sand, we would warn him/her, “Keep the sand low.” If s/he persists, it is best to remove the child from the sandbox and offer to read him/her a story or engage him/her in another activity.
What about time outs and other punishments? The problem with punishment is that it is rarely a learning tool, and learning—not punishing—is our goal. Young children do not learn much from time outs because they cannot remember what they did long enough to realize why they are there. As children get older, consequences do sometimes make sense. Telling a five or six year old that s/he is making a bad choice and will lose recess time if s/he persists is sensible. But this emphasizes the importance of making good choices, not the idea of punishing the child. As much as possible, we hope to create consequences that illustrate why a behavior is not a good idea. For example, if a child throws toys when having a tantrum, it is logical to have to pick them up. We can also do creative things, such as stage puppet shows about behavior, so that children reflect on their behavior and above all learn to empathize with their peers.
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